So I think I lost a friend. I still don't want to admit it, because I don't want him to be gone, but I know it's over.
Yeah, it sucks, but I guess I understand. Or as much as I can understand. I mean, I'm partly to blame, but I really think he's just as much to blame as me.
Sometimes things just don't work out.
I've been trying for so long to keep things going, and really, it's one sided and I just want to say good bye. It's almost like a break up at the end relationship that's been drug out so long you just can't deal with it anymore.
I'm bummed, because it was one of those people that I thought would be in my life forever you know? I mean, he had such a huge impact on my life, whether he wanted to or not, and I think that I made an impact on his, just maybe not in a good way in the end. Some things just aren't meant to be, and certain things happen where it may be impossible to keep a friendship going afterwards. It just sucks, when you feel that strong bond with someone, you know, a really good friend, and it ends like this.
I just don't know what to say to him to let him know I'm done trying.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Changes, changes, changes
Oh man, this blog just keeps getting pushed to the back of my mind.
Many things have changed, mostly for the good, there were some rough times, and some things still suck. So let's see,
First off I got a new job, I'm still with the same company but I got this sweet job where all I do is answer questions about weird situations and obscure insurance laws for people who do my old job. It's pretty sweet, I get to work 1-9:30. Which I love because I am a nocturnal being and it is nice not having to be there until after noon. I love my team (all two of them), but I do miss quite a few people terribly. And it's kind of weird talking to people who trained me just a year and a half ago.. I'm not sure how to deal with that just yet.
So I spent too much money on groceries one week and I've been really tight with money because we're heading for some great meltdown and I never want to spend any of it.. so I put it away and just tell myself I'm flat broke, all the time. So I ran out of medicine and decided to just stop taking it, and ran low on another kind so I split the pills in half. Bad, bad idea. Oh man did I ever freak out. One day Matt finally just asked me "What happened to you?". Strange to think my whole personality could change in a matter of two weeks. He was a bit shocked, which is completely understandable as he had no clue what I was up to. So I guess I'm not ready to kick the pills to the curb just yet, although I would really really like to.
In good news I officially joined weightwatchers and am getting really psyched up, it's easy to follow and I can eat lots of delicious food! And I've been doing insane workouts which usually consist of jogging for 20 minutes, riding an aerodyne/stationary bike for 30 and lifting weights or boxing. Pretty sweet, makes me feel good. Tomorrow I'm just going to do biking and try some pilates moves. With the new schedule I can get up at 10:30 and still have time to work out!
In bad news my mom had surgery and I think it bothers me more than her. She was having problems with her throat, she has achalasia which is a rare disorder that causes lifelong problems. She had this crazy surgery and everything was going fine, she was recovering, she could finally eat and drink again (she could barely eat or drink for two weeks before surgery and lost 12 lbs). Then today she ate a peice of bacon which has been stuck in her throat all night. She told me and I started crying, I don't know why, and she didn't know what to say. She tried to assure me that it would be ok and it would be ok by tomorrow. I felt so bad, I didn't know what to tell her. I told her I wished I could take her throat and give her mine, I really mean it to. It's making me so scared and sad. I don't want her to feel like this. I don't know how she's dealing with it all.
That's really the only significant changes..
I had a good holiday, Matt and I stayed with my parents and went to both of my extended family Christmases and went to his family Christmas in Manhattan, IL. It was a lot of drivinb but it was good to meet his family.
I miss my brother a lot. I got to hang out with him this weekend. he turns 19 this month. Not sure what I am going to get him for that.. he wants to come to Iowa City and go to the bars, not to drink, but just because he's old enough to get in. He said he just wants cash, but that's boring.. but I guess his truck is crapping out, so maybe I will make an exception this year.
Well, that about concludes anything I had to say.
Many things have changed, mostly for the good, there were some rough times, and some things still suck. So let's see,
First off I got a new job, I'm still with the same company but I got this sweet job where all I do is answer questions about weird situations and obscure insurance laws for people who do my old job. It's pretty sweet, I get to work 1-9:30. Which I love because I am a nocturnal being and it is nice not having to be there until after noon. I love my team (all two of them), but I do miss quite a few people terribly. And it's kind of weird talking to people who trained me just a year and a half ago.. I'm not sure how to deal with that just yet.
So I spent too much money on groceries one week and I've been really tight with money because we're heading for some great meltdown and I never want to spend any of it.. so I put it away and just tell myself I'm flat broke, all the time. So I ran out of medicine and decided to just stop taking it, and ran low on another kind so I split the pills in half. Bad, bad idea. Oh man did I ever freak out. One day Matt finally just asked me "What happened to you?". Strange to think my whole personality could change in a matter of two weeks. He was a bit shocked, which is completely understandable as he had no clue what I was up to. So I guess I'm not ready to kick the pills to the curb just yet, although I would really really like to.
In good news I officially joined weightwatchers and am getting really psyched up, it's easy to follow and I can eat lots of delicious food! And I've been doing insane workouts which usually consist of jogging for 20 minutes, riding an aerodyne/stationary bike for 30 and lifting weights or boxing. Pretty sweet, makes me feel good. Tomorrow I'm just going to do biking and try some pilates moves. With the new schedule I can get up at 10:30 and still have time to work out!
In bad news my mom had surgery and I think it bothers me more than her. She was having problems with her throat, she has achalasia which is a rare disorder that causes lifelong problems. She had this crazy surgery and everything was going fine, she was recovering, she could finally eat and drink again (she could barely eat or drink for two weeks before surgery and lost 12 lbs). Then today she ate a peice of bacon which has been stuck in her throat all night. She told me and I started crying, I don't know why, and she didn't know what to say. She tried to assure me that it would be ok and it would be ok by tomorrow. I felt so bad, I didn't know what to tell her. I told her I wished I could take her throat and give her mine, I really mean it to. It's making me so scared and sad. I don't want her to feel like this. I don't know how she's dealing with it all.
That's really the only significant changes..
I had a good holiday, Matt and I stayed with my parents and went to both of my extended family Christmases and went to his family Christmas in Manhattan, IL. It was a lot of drivinb but it was good to meet his family.
I miss my brother a lot. I got to hang out with him this weekend. he turns 19 this month. Not sure what I am going to get him for that.. he wants to come to Iowa City and go to the bars, not to drink, but just because he's old enough to get in. He said he just wants cash, but that's boring.. but I guess his truck is crapping out, so maybe I will make an exception this year.
Well, that about concludes anything I had to say.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I'm way overweight.
So I'm officially going on a diet. I will probably just ramble about it on here.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Charalie-
I don't really know what to say. I mean, I didn't talk to you much since Matt and I moved away, but really, how did it get to that point? What were your last thoughts? I mean, I talked to you just a couple weeks ago, about the baby and jobs and how it sucks working all the time. There were no signs, I mean, you told me you didn't know if you wanted all the responsibility, but I don't know I don't think that's what drove you to all this. Really, why didn't you just call one of us. There are so many people asking that, "man, why didn't he just call me?"
What you did is something that I contemplated at so many points in my life, and just watching everyone in your life after the fact, I could never do it. I mean, I understand to a point. I thought about it so much, I always just thought people would understand, but now I realize, no one understands. It's just strange, there was no indication that anything was even wrong.
I'm not mad. I just wish that there would have been something I could have done. I really do regret losing contact with you, after everything. But it was so weird. I say that now, but I know the people closest to you and you didn't talk to them, why would you have talked to me?
I'll always remember the fun times, skateboarding, old school video games, awkward hanging out times, late night ramblings to each other, you and Andy making out with me in the middle, going to shows/playing shows- you were always supportive of me no matter how much I sucked :), double dates, watching you and Sarah play video games. Truthfully, out of all Matt's friends, I liked you best!
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I wish I believed in heaven so I could think that you were up there. But to me it's more feasible that you've just been reborn as some other soul that's going to rock the planet on guitar, hopefully this time when you're reborn you'll live somewhere cooler than Burlington.
Love you forever dude
-Natlie
What you did is something that I contemplated at so many points in my life, and just watching everyone in your life after the fact, I could never do it. I mean, I understand to a point. I thought about it so much, I always just thought people would understand, but now I realize, no one understands. It's just strange, there was no indication that anything was even wrong.
I'm not mad. I just wish that there would have been something I could have done. I really do regret losing contact with you, after everything. But it was so weird. I say that now, but I know the people closest to you and you didn't talk to them, why would you have talked to me?
I'll always remember the fun times, skateboarding, old school video games, awkward hanging out times, late night ramblings to each other, you and Andy making out with me in the middle, going to shows/playing shows- you were always supportive of me no matter how much I sucked :), double dates, watching you and Sarah play video games. Truthfully, out of all Matt's friends, I liked you best!
I don't know what else to say. Sometimes I wish I believed in heaven so I could think that you were up there. But to me it's more feasible that you've just been reborn as some other soul that's going to rock the planet on guitar, hopefully this time when you're reborn you'll live somewhere cooler than Burlington.
Love you forever dude
-Natlie
Monday, September 1, 2008
Things that piss me off.
So usually, if you've read any other posts, you know my blogs are usually pretty happy, just me rambling about things that I love. Well today, I'm tired of it. I'm going to talk about things that I don't like, in list form.
1. Coralville. I live in Iowa City, I work in Coralville, most of the major shopping in the area is in Coralville. I really really don't like Coralville. I'm not sure why, it's just not very welcoming. There seems to be a lot of crime, I work in a pretty crummy area and so maybe that skews my perception. There's always road construction, or a sheet of ice, or both on the main road through it. I hate the mall and despise going there but I do anyways for Target, Old Navy, and Maurices. Seriously, the mall is probably the worst part of it. It's really long, there aren't many good stores, Iowans in the area flock to it because it's the biggest shopping area for quite a few miles, and there are always lines in every store but Lane Bryant.
2. Dodge/Chrysler I think they suck. That's about it
3. Windows Vista. I think this is the only OS I have ever used where 2 gigs of ram isn't enough. I'm not sure why this got released at all. Maybe because they poured money into it and didn't predict all the backlash against it. I've used Windows for my computing for most of my life and Vista made me switch to Linux (which I probably would have done anyways because it RULES) I actually think I may just take it off my computer completely because it's a waste of a huge amount of space. The more I use Linux the more I hate Vista and refuse to use it.
4. Knee problems. I used to run 5 miles most days, then I developed arthritis and now I can't run more than two without pain. I just want a new goddamn knee.
5. Sitting all day at work. I can feel myself getting fatter.
6. Waking up to go to work by 9 AM. Since I was on a 10-6:30 schedule for so long I have a really hard time waking up before 9. You would think that hour wouldn't make much of a difference, but it makes a HUGE difference, trust me.
7. Republicans. I don't really need to explain that
8. Automated voice systems that can't understand anything I'm saying. Pizza hut used to have the absolute worst. I wanted to punch the phone everytime I called. Fuck that.
9. Being hungry after I've already brushed my teeth. It's like, man, do I eat again and rebrush these things or do I not eat and go hungry. What a decision. (I only include this as it is my predicament now)
10. Money. I never have enough.
I think I'll quit because 10 is a good number that doesn't piss me off.
1. Coralville. I live in Iowa City, I work in Coralville, most of the major shopping in the area is in Coralville. I really really don't like Coralville. I'm not sure why, it's just not very welcoming. There seems to be a lot of crime, I work in a pretty crummy area and so maybe that skews my perception. There's always road construction, or a sheet of ice, or both on the main road through it. I hate the mall and despise going there but I do anyways for Target, Old Navy, and Maurices. Seriously, the mall is probably the worst part of it. It's really long, there aren't many good stores, Iowans in the area flock to it because it's the biggest shopping area for quite a few miles, and there are always lines in every store but Lane Bryant.
2. Dodge/Chrysler I think they suck. That's about it
3. Windows Vista. I think this is the only OS I have ever used where 2 gigs of ram isn't enough. I'm not sure why this got released at all. Maybe because they poured money into it and didn't predict all the backlash against it. I've used Windows for my computing for most of my life and Vista made me switch to Linux (which I probably would have done anyways because it RULES) I actually think I may just take it off my computer completely because it's a waste of a huge amount of space. The more I use Linux the more I hate Vista and refuse to use it.
4. Knee problems. I used to run 5 miles most days, then I developed arthritis and now I can't run more than two without pain. I just want a new goddamn knee.
5. Sitting all day at work. I can feel myself getting fatter.
6. Waking up to go to work by 9 AM. Since I was on a 10-6:30 schedule for so long I have a really hard time waking up before 9. You would think that hour wouldn't make much of a difference, but it makes a HUGE difference, trust me.
7. Republicans. I don't really need to explain that
8. Automated voice systems that can't understand anything I'm saying. Pizza hut used to have the absolute worst. I wanted to punch the phone everytime I called. Fuck that.
9. Being hungry after I've already brushed my teeth. It's like, man, do I eat again and rebrush these things or do I not eat and go hungry. What a decision. (I only include this as it is my predicament now)
10. Money. I never have enough.
I think I'll quit because 10 is a good number that doesn't piss me off.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sheltered
So I realized I'm really out of touch with mainstream music, and really just pop culture in general. I don't know the latest bands, I have no idea what celebrities are popular other than the things I see on the tabloids while standing in line at the grocery store, and I haven't really watched any of the new TV Shows. But I really don't have any desire to. I really have no reason other than the fact that sometimes when I'm talking to people they reference these things and I'm clueless.
I was thinking about it again today and I really have never been in touch with what's considered cool and what's not. Well, I have to take part of that back, I know that what I like is generally not considered cool so I have the second half figured out. I mean, even as far back as elementary school I was way out of touch. I listened to bands that none of my classmates had heard of. I loved REM, Rush, Phil Collins, and Collective Soul. I really didn't watch much TV and I remember how weird I always felt when all the other kids talked about Step By Step, The Real World, and Blossom. I watched Discovery Channel. And the weather. How do you fit in with that when you're a third grader and all you watch is educational shows (by choice, my parents really didn't care what I watched) I tried to fit in, I would smile, and say that I watched the shows, I would pretend I listened to the music (I can't even remember what music they talked about because I never listened to it and have no idea what was popular aside from grunge and none of the other kids liked that apparently).
The only time I ever really got involved with pop culture was in middle school, I watched MTV, listened to the radio, followed celebrities, watched popular movies. And then I realized that I didn't really care. So I went back to being out of touch and not really caring what anyone else was doing. In high school a lot of the times I guess I was ahead of the game and knew about a lot of bands before they got popular but I always listened to weird shit and most of the time it didn't get popular.
It's really a lot better this way. Sometimes I get weird looks when people get into my car and I'm still listening to grunge (most rock aside from indie rock sucked after that). I do listen to a few new bands, but mostly just stuff people think is weirder than grunge.
The whole point of this blog is that I realized during my childhood I was almost sheltered from pop culture. I don't think that was my parents intention really, because it's not like they were sheltering me because they thought it would be a bad influence, I think they just thought the shit they were into was cool and I thought I would like it too. And I'm not sure if it was more they didn't expose it to me or more I didn't really care for it. Most of the time I just emulated my uncle (who is still the coolest person I know) and he was always kind of out there. My mom usually just tells me I was born a decade too late.
I was thinking about it again today and I really have never been in touch with what's considered cool and what's not. Well, I have to take part of that back, I know that what I like is generally not considered cool so I have the second half figured out. I mean, even as far back as elementary school I was way out of touch. I listened to bands that none of my classmates had heard of. I loved REM, Rush, Phil Collins, and Collective Soul. I really didn't watch much TV and I remember how weird I always felt when all the other kids talked about Step By Step, The Real World, and Blossom. I watched Discovery Channel. And the weather. How do you fit in with that when you're a third grader and all you watch is educational shows (by choice, my parents really didn't care what I watched) I tried to fit in, I would smile, and say that I watched the shows, I would pretend I listened to the music (I can't even remember what music they talked about because I never listened to it and have no idea what was popular aside from grunge and none of the other kids liked that apparently).
The only time I ever really got involved with pop culture was in middle school, I watched MTV, listened to the radio, followed celebrities, watched popular movies. And then I realized that I didn't really care. So I went back to being out of touch and not really caring what anyone else was doing. In high school a lot of the times I guess I was ahead of the game and knew about a lot of bands before they got popular but I always listened to weird shit and most of the time it didn't get popular.
It's really a lot better this way. Sometimes I get weird looks when people get into my car and I'm still listening to grunge (most rock aside from indie rock sucked after that). I do listen to a few new bands, but mostly just stuff people think is weirder than grunge.
The whole point of this blog is that I realized during my childhood I was almost sheltered from pop culture. I don't think that was my parents intention really, because it's not like they were sheltering me because they thought it would be a bad influence, I think they just thought the shit they were into was cool and I thought I would like it too. And I'm not sure if it was more they didn't expose it to me or more I didn't really care for it. Most of the time I just emulated my uncle (who is still the coolest person I know) and he was always kind of out there. My mom usually just tells me I was born a decade too late.
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